I have officially made it through my first major holiday without Faith. It went pretty well, all things considered. A friend drove down from Albuquerque to stay a couple of nights, so I wasn’t alone. Another friend joined us for Thanksgiving dinner, and I spent time with even more friends later on in a zoom call. All in all, it was a nice holiday, although I was constantly aware of the presence of Faith’s absence.

My friend went home Friday afternoon, and by the evening I was pretty tired. I was worn out from not enough sleep, a lot of activity, and the undercurrent of grief that was there but mostly not acknowledged. I had been too busy for grieving!

It all caught up with me, though. At some point in the evening I started to feel an odd sense of disconnection. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to interact with my Facebook friends; I really didn’t want to do much of anything at all. I was disconnected from the world. It was rather disconcerting, and I still don’t fully understand it. I sat with the feeling, though, as I have learned to do, and allowed it to run its course.

And eventually, that strange feeling passed.

Saturday morning was oh so much better! I strolled through the Las Cruces Farmer’s Market (you must experience it if you ever visit Las Cruces), greeting strangers with smiles and chatting with my friends among the vendors. I even scored fresh kettle corn from a vendor who normally has a line 20 people deep waiting for his wares! I was connected to the world once again.

Connection is such a precious and important thing; it makes me feel alive. When I am connected, I am centered and comfortable; I am able to look beyond my own inquietude and focus outward. I see the world; I see everyone in it, and I feel love. Is this perhaps the key to compassion, to get out of your own head so that you can truly see another and be in their world with them?  There’s a thought for another day.

But I am not connected where Christmas is concerned. Now that Thanksgiving is done we are officially in the midst of the holiday season, in whatever tradition is yours to celebrate. I am finding it difficult to connect with joy in the season. Faith is not here; we celebrated this time of year together for so many years that it is hard to celebrate alone. Decorations will be minimal. I won’t be baking cookies. I won’t listen to much Christmas music. And all of that is okay. I am where I need to be, feeling what I need to feel. Maybe next year will be easier. Maybe not. And that is okay. It is all a part of my journey.

What I promise you, my friends, is that I can and will find meaning in observing YOUR joy in the season! Decorate that tree, light that menorah, burn that Yule log, sing those carols, and tell me of your most cherished traditions – whether it is something you’ve done for years or a brand new tradition you’re just starting!

I wish for you the most blessed and joyful of holiday seasons!